Abraham

"1 And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt (in Hebrew, test or prove) Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.

2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.

3 ¶And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.

4 Then on the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes, and saw the place afar off.

5 And Abraham said unto his young men, Abide ye here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and worship, and come again to you.

6 And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife; and they went both of them together.

7 And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?

8 And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together.

9 And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

10 And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

11 And the angel of the Lord called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

12 And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

13 And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.

14 And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

15 ¶And the angel of the Lord called unto Abraham out of heaven the second time,

16 And said, By myself have I sworn, saith the Lord, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son:

17 That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;

18 And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice."

Genesis Chapter 22

I have to give up everything I want that the Lord says I can't have right now. I have to bow to His will in everything, if I want everything, which I do. But He requires me to give all things to Him so that He can give me all things. I can't just take them when I want. I have to place myself and my life in His hands and be willing to give up anything He asks me to.  He says He will give me everything I need in return and all things with everyone I love in the next life.  I've been very selfish and ungrateful and I've wanted everything right now. He's given me so much and I have just wanted to steal more. So now I'm putting everything and everyone, including all of my hopes and dreams, into His hands and He will give me more than I ever imagined in His own way and in His own time. So now I will enjoy and love all He has given me and reach for the right things.

Just wish I could put everything right again. Really trying. Can only do so much though. Have to trust the Lord to clean up the rest of my mess. Have to put things in His hands. Have to ask Him to take care of those I love & help them in ways I can't. Some things I still am not sure about, truthfully. I still have questions, honestly. Figure it'll all be clear at some point.

"The glory of God is intelligence, or in other words, light and truth." Doctrine & Covenants 93:36

Ever get to a point where you feel like you just can't handle your life, just can't do it. Like being faced with a mountain you just don't have what it takes to climb? I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything. I don't have any inclinations towards that, thank goodness. I do however hit brick walls when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I tend to be a forward looking kind of person. The problem comes when I can't see how things will get better. That's when I struggle the most. I'm trying to learn to focus on dealing with right now better and not having to have the future worked out. But when I feel life closing in on me & start to panic, often the only way through that feeling is to pray constantly for help to get through the hour or day. It's the "help me! I can't do this without your help" prayer over & over again in my mind. It works. I am helped through my struggles. It's the only thing that got me through the depression I was in last spring. And answers came. I was having diabetic symptoms & also didn't know what I should be now that I finally had all the kids in school. Heavenly Father helped me to finally start exercising regularly. He helped me to finally understand what would work for me. And from twitter & my friends on twitter (some really great things did actually come into my life from twitter :)), I learned that I love to write, a lot. And the idea to learn cello also came from twitter. And some amazing friends I will always love no matter where life takes me. :)!! Things will all work out. I had a great morning, a low afternoon, but things have improved again this evening. Everything will work out the way it should. And there really is a way over this mountain, with the Lord's help. So here's to reaching the top! :)

"All flesh is in mine hands; Be still and know that I am God." Doctrine & Covenants 101:16

We all have more help than we realize. Prayer from Hansel & Gretel. Goodnight everyone! XO :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=homgiCRIeRY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

It's been an extremely good day today. I'm a very lucky girl! Spoiled rotten, really. Heavenly Father has been very, very kind to me. And I have the best family & friends. Hopefully I can learn to be wiser and better. Love to all of my family, friends, & loved ones. Thanks for putting up with me & loving me. Have a wonderful night everyone! :)

I'm so much better this morning. Even though it's usually true that I do better in the morning and have a rough time before going to sleep. That will probably still be true for a while. But I think I might finally be ready to take that last step back. You know how 2 yr olds act when they're tired but refuse to go to sleep. And they fight it with every ounce of their little selves, crying & throwing a fit? But then when they let go and fall asleep, they sleep so peacefully and wake up so happy. That's what I've been doing these last 3 weeks. Fighting with every ounce of myself not to have to let go. But I have to step back a little more and leave those I love so much in Heavenly Father's hands. I keep praying hard every day that He will hold them tight and carry them though their life. And I have to pray hard for Heavenly Father to hold me just as tightly and carry me through my life too. Cause there's no other way I can make it. The thing is, He's always carrying me and all of His children. I just need more faith to see it and more faith to put myself and all I love and want in His hands. It's the only way I can have everything. The only way I can be with everyone I love and the only way I can have everything I want. There's no other way. My way will just make a mess of things. So I'm putting everyone & everything in His hands and taking one more step back. I won't love anyone any less. In fact I will love them more because I will be doing it the right way. And the Lord fills us with more love, not less.

Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." That's okay. You can take my weaknesses back now. I don't want them. :) At least there's a way out and it really does work. I can vouch for that. Just when you're in the middle of a problem, it can be very frustrating. Mainly cause I always want instant results. The faster, the better! But in fact things are moving well in the right direction. I'm just dang impatient! :)

What I've been trying to learn better lately.

I am plum tuckered out!! LOL! But super happy & excited for this next week. I get to start cello lessons. Can't wait!!! And I get to go to the temple if I promise to be a good girl til then. I will, I will! Getting to go to the temple feels like visiting heaven. I highly recommend it! All around super week ahead! Yeep!! :) So, must be a good girl. Can't wait to get my hands on a cello!!

My favorite hymn: O my Father, thou that dwellest in the high and glorious place, When shall I regain thy presence and again behold thy face? In thy holy habitation, did my spirit once reside? In my first primeval childhood, was I nurtured near thy side? For a wise and glorious purpose thou hast placed me here on earth And withheld the recollection of my former friends and birth; Yet ofttimes a secret something whispered, "You're a stranger here," And I felt that I had wandered from a more exalted sphere. I had learned to call thee Father, thru thy Spirit from on high, But, until the key of knowledge was restored, I knew not why. In the heavens are parents single? No, the thought makes reason stare! Truth is reason; truth eternal tells me I've a mother there. When I leave this frail existence, when I lay this mortal by, Father, Mother, may I meet you in your royal courts on high. Then, at length, when I've completed all you sent me forth to do, With your mutual approbation let me come and dwell with you.

Feeling much better today. Been thinking about things. Everyone one needs love & acceptance. I know, however, from experience that no one can fill all my needs, even if they want to. Only Heavenly Father can fulfill all of my needs & wants. I realized after I wrote the last post that I don't feel loved or lovable if I don't feel like I'm doing really well or nearly perfectly. I can see other people's challenges & understand & love them. But I'm not at all good about it for myself. Working on that. I can see how much Heavenly Father loves other people no matter what their challenges. But if I mess up in any way, I feel like He doesn't love me until I'm doing great again, which is very false. If that were true, He couldn't love any of us ever. So I'm trying to have faith that I am always loved even when I mess up. I'm also trying to have more faith in other people's ability to love me despite my imperfections. I'm also trying to tell myself that love from others isn't always obvious. Just because they haven't shown it lately doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And I also need to be more patient with myself and others. :) Things usually work out if I'm patient. Right? Right! ;)

Beautiful Song

This song was playing in my head this morning. Had to look it up. Couldn't find the music. But these are the lyrics.

The Power of God

Listen to the wind blow,
Lonely as a sigh.
Nothing overhead but empty sky.
Look up at starlight
On a dark night;
Are we all alone,
An island in space?
Or is there a plan
Where I have a place?

Could it be that heaven
Is man's imagining,
Reaching out for hope in childish dreams?
Stories so old then,
We've outgrown them?
Has God gone away
Or hidden His face?
Have miracles ceased to be?

But the power of God is plain to see,
There are wonders on every hand
To those who will see through eyes of faith,
Beyond the mind of man.

For how could we hope
To see His face,
Who never could see His hand?

Some may see a rainbow
As nothing more than light.
Others see a promise and a sign.
Everyday wonders without number
Are here all around
And wait to be found
By those who have eyes to see.

CHORUS (repeat)
Listen to the wind blow,
Then listen once again.

By Steven Kapp Perry

Poem for Wendy

So many sorrows, so many tears. So much hunger for love and for peace. Why is it so hard to see tomorrow, why is it so hard to find our way.

So many days that go on forever. So many nights that might never end. Why must the pain last so long and the joy be so hard to find?

Somewhere there must be something better. Somewhere there must be peace and light. Hold on to those around you and never quit the fight.

Do you feel His arms around you? Does He whisper in your ears? Are the stars still shining down? Is the moon still keeping watch? Do the breezes rush through your hair and the rain still wash your face?

Then the Lord is still in heaven, and the joy will still be yours. If you just hold on til tomorrow and keep watching for the dawn.

On That Christmas Night

On that Christmas night so long ago
all of creation was holding it's breath
All things were watching a little stable
Waiting to hear a baby cry.

The angels were anxious to sing their song
The star was shining with all of it's might
The birds were waiting their turn to sing.
And the shepherds were quietly watching their sheep

And then the Light was born into the world!
All of creation must have silently shouted!
Angels began singing for terrified shepherds
And starlight was shining down from the sky

Only wise men knew why the star was shining
Only they knew why creation wanted to sing
They started their travels that glorious night
With gifts for the King He would someday be.

This glorious Child was born in a stable
The animals must have felt something there
The Light began shining into the world
And the world could finally sleep in peace.

Merry Christmas!!!

I have a very personal story to tell. I haven't told many people but I feel like telling it now. After I had Jonathan, I was in the hospital for the usual 48 hours. I was feeling good and Cameron had gone back home to rest, probably, since there's no place for the husband to sleep. Anyway I was wide awake with nothing to do, just waiting while Jonathan slept. And a little girl came in the room to visit me. She said, "Don't forget about me." I said, "I won't." And she left. Now my physical eyes didn't see her, but I felt her come & go. And my spirit (or my mind, if you prefer) saw her, but not clearly. But I didn't imagine her. I wasn't dreaming or daydreaming. She was really there and spoke to my mind (or spirit). My physical ears didn't hear anything.

I wasn't bothered by her visiting because she was very comfortable and familiar to be with. I knew she was my future daughter. And I felt like she just wanted me to remember to have her too. I had just had my second boy. But I planned on having more kids and figured I'd have her soon enough. Surprisingly, I didn't think too much about it after that.

Fastforward 3 years and I was back in the hospital after having my third boy. Once again the baby was asleep and I was just sitting there waiting. And she came in my room again. This time my mind could see her a little better but only vaguely. She said, "Don't forget about me." I said, "I won't." She went over to look at the baby in his bed and then she left. I could tell she had very dark hair, very dark brown or black. It was hard to see her features but I got a general impression that she had round cheeks and was 6-9 years old.

After you have a baby, you're pretty worn out and extremely preoccupied with a very demanding little person. I honestly didn't think much more about her because I was planning on having at least one more child and figured that would be her.

Cameron & I had both wanted a little girl from the start. So when I found out I was pregnant with number 4, I was sure it would be a girl this time. But it wasn't. It was our cute, little Brian. At this point we had Robert in kindergarten for the second time, Jonathan in Pre-K, and Tyler was 1 1/2. We had our hands more than full! And we were sure we couldn't handle anymore kids! So when I was waiting in the hospital again after having Brian, I was sure the little girl wouldn't visit because we were finished having our kids. But she still came to visit me. It was all exactly the same as last time. She said, "Don't forget about me." I said, "I won't." She went over to see the new baby and then left.

I'm sorry to say that for a while I didn't think about her. But you don't think about more kids when you've got your hands so full as it is. Plus when Brian was around 9 or 10 months old, we were working on moving across the country.

About 6 months after our move, I suddenly remembered all about her. Brian was 2. I told Cameron about her. I don't think he really believed me. He wasn't at all interested in having anymore. And I think he felt I couldn't possibly be right about it. Still to this day, he doesn't really believe me. But there's nothing I can do about that. Someday she'll still be born. I just have to be patient. :)

Nervous Breakdown-Part 1

About a month and a half to two months into kindergarten, the lady from Emory (we were very lucky she did school visits) finished evaluating Robert. I remember getting her diagnosis. Cameron had to work, so I was there with baby Tyler. She said Robert was autistic, specifically Aspergers. I still vividly remember how it felt to hear that, a lot like getting punched in the stomach. We had thought he was just delayed in his development and would eventually grow out of it. Hearing that your child has a condition that he'll have to deal with the rest of his life, is heartbreaking.

About a month into Robert's kindergarten, I very nearly passed out in the shower. Made it to my bed and called Cameron to come home and take me to the doctor. Called my obstetrician (I had had Tyler 3 -4 months before and thought I wasn't recovering well from the birth.) and demanded that they see me (receptionist said they couldn't that day) or I'd have to go to the ER. The doctor said I was fine physically and wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant. Oh, is that what this is! I'd never had a real nervous breakdown before!

So Cameron drove us home and I went out to the back deck to think and pray about all of this. I know not everyone is religious. But for me, there isn't any other place to turn when you've run out of options. And with a child like Robert, you reach your wits end pretty often. I remember struggling with a 2 yr old Robert and a tiny Jonathan by myself at home. I couldn't, for the life of me, get Robert to cooperate and Jonathan needed constant attention. (Most people will ask at this point, why on earth I had another child after Robert. Good question! :) Reading my blogs about my family growing up might help with that. But the real reason was because I wanted more kids.) Anyway, I was struggling with the two of them and an idea came into my mind that I know was inspiration from Heavenly Father. It was the idea that I had to let everything that wasn't really important go and had to even turn a blind eye to some behaviors that wouldn't be acceptable in an average child. Otherwise, he would literally be in trouble constantly and we'd always be struggling with each other.