Saturday, March 31, 2012

Divorce will be final in 13-20 days. Depends on how long it takes the judge & lawyer to process everything.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Oh yay! Just remembered something. It's the little things. Actually it's not that little to me and it's fantastic! Yay! So relieved! :)
Things are going extremely well. Probably couldn't go much better. We're all doing very, very good. It really is miraculous. I feel that I've been helped a ton. Feel like my burdens have been lightened to an amazing degree. And feel like a way has been made. But just felt like expressing some of the contradictions of my situation. Forgot to add- Sad, but happy. Happy, but sad. Alone, but not. With, but without. Wrong, but right. Can't, but should. Bad, but good. Good, but bad. Anyway, I could probably keep going. Promise we're doing very well. Just so many contradictory things in this situation. I'm sure they'll all resolve with a little time.


Be, but can't. No, but must. Go, but stay. Right, but wrong. Love, but don't. Help, but wait. Yes, but no. Love, but don't. Be, but can't. Stay, but go. Shouldn't, but should. No, but yes. Yes, but no. Do, but can't. Love, but don't. Wait, but don't. Go, but stay. Do, but can't. Love, but don't. Yes, but no.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Love Human by The Killers!! Really should get ready for bed now. Goodnight!! Sweet dreams!! :)!!
Watching Oprah interview Lady Gaga. Don't like her persona. But think I might like Stefani, the real person.
Just realized that today is the first day I feel completely normal. Most of yesterday was good. But today I finally just feel like me again. No stress, no complicated emotions, just me. It's wonderful!! I don't feel worn out or worn down. Just normal. Normal is so nice!! I am bored now though. LOL! Juliene called to chat & my sweet friend was so kind & thoughtful of me at church. Bless her!! It's been a great day! Been listening to music. Want to chatter more with friends. Don't like being patient! Are you supposed to like being patient?? ;) What to do, what to do? I guess I'll see if there's anything good on tv. :) Hugs, kisses, & love to all of my family, friends, & loved ones!! Thank you for all of your kindness! And now if only I weren't bored! ;)
Really admire Nico Muhly & Philip Glass. Not all alternative classical appeals to me. Wonder how many other soundtrack composers would be considered alternative classical composers. Seems like soundtracks would be the most likely place to hear alternative classical. Really cool to have kids learn such unique music.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

So lately the idea of being alone has been eating me up. I've been feeling ill & panicky every time I think about spending weekends by myself while the kids are with Cameron. I hadn't been able to cope with the idea. Thought I might just have to follow the kids to Cameron's house & stay there too. But today I realized that I have to start thinking about the positives and learn to enjoy the freedom of being alone or I'll drive myself crazy. It's literally going to be the most I've ever been alone in my life. Growing up with 9 siblings you're rarely alone even when you want to be. I can only think of one time I was home alone. I was in 4th grade & had the chicken pox & everyone else was at church. I remember it vividly because it felt so strange to be by myself. In college I always had roommates and in the summer I lived with my parents or grandparents. Then of course I got married & had Robert 9 months later. And Cameron's never traveled much. So yeah, this will be new for me. But I have 3 weeks to start thinking about it as a good thing. I'll get to do what I want, when I want. I can be how I want to be. I don't have to impress anyone or compromise with anyone. I can spend time with whoever I'd like. I can go places I've been wanting to go. There will be no one to interrupt whatever I'm working on. I can get up as late as I want & stay up as late as I want. And I can play all day if I feel like it. Going to start thinking this way more instead of carrying around a knot in my stomach. So here's to the good things about being alone. :)

Monday, March 19, 2012

Yippee!! Calendar marked!! Very good news! Thank goodness for music! Calms me! :)
The dog gave me a look & went outside where it's quieter. ;)
When a day & a half feels like forever & I feel like stomping my feet in frustration! Won't do me any good though. Have to do it anyway. So should just get going. Have plenty to keep me busy. Okay, okay!! I'm going!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Actually going to sleep properly tonight at a normal hour instead of falling asleep & waking up at 3 or 4 am and going back to sleep. :) Family responses have been so sweet so far. Feel very blessed. Goodnight everyone! All my love! :)
The da Vinci show was a little boring. Watching Frozen Planet now. Much more interesting! ;)
Working on getting all my duckies in a row & making sure my head's on nice & straight. ;) Was a busy day. Got up at 7:30. Nother busy day at church. Got home at 2 pm. Took a nap. Finally wrote the email to the rest of my family that I'd been putting off. That was hard! Felt emotionally drained for a bit after that. Finally just relaxing this evening. :) Loved the Margaret Mitchell documentary. Now watching a documentary on finding a lost da Vinci drawing. :) So nice to just relax. :)
Watching a great documentary on Margaret Mitchell's life. Fascinating!!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The good news is that life doesn't end even when it gets turned completely upside down. Learning that the best thing to do is to make the very best of whatever you're given instead of getting angry that things aren't the way they seem like they should be. Still get to learn more patience though. And how to better stand on my own. Luckily the Lord's help & comfort are always available. And I'm sure I'll have plenty more to learn. But we're here to learn & grow. Need to learn my lessons as well as possible so that they'll serve me well in the future. Still feel like the Lord is making things as easy for me as possible. Things will all work out. Just have to keep moving forward. :)
Hmm.. I seem to have lost the link somewhere. Will fix it in a bit. :)
Okey-doke. All fixed! ;)
Today has been going very, very well. But that overwhelmed feeling started creeping up on me, just because it does sometimes. This is what calmed me back down. Reminds me of how blessed I already am. And things will be okay. :)

Monday, March 12, 2012

Tomorrow morning we sign & file the settlement papers. And then wait for 4-6 weeks for everything to be final. Everything's going extremely well. Miraculously well, actually. Everyone is happy and things are peaceful & calm. Cameron's living here til everything's final. There's no tension between us. That's all gone now. We get along much better now. We're still best friends and still work together on everything. The kids are happy because there's no tension in the air and their lives are still exactly the same. Has to be one of the most peaceful divorces ever. If it has to end, this is the best way to do it.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

New rule! No thinking about problems or issues from the past.  Very, very bad idea right now. Can only handle the present and the past is past and dealt with.  The present is going as well as possible. So to keep from getting bogged down, must only focus on now. :)
Told Brian I was going to go pick up Robert. "Don't lock yourself out of your car," he says. Mommy would hope she's not nearly spacey enough to do that two days in a row! Let's hope! ;)
Hit my first real wall today. Was bound to happen. Was hoping it wouldn't. But it was inevitable. Cameron called and talked me through it just at the moment I was sure I couldn't possibly get over it. So sweet of him! Thank you to another amazing person for making me laugh when I couldn't think of anything to be happy about. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Okay, over the wall. Must put wall behind me. Turning on music & getting in the shower. And the rest of this day will be okay. :)
Was praying about what to think about myself. Couldn't sort myself out. A line we would repeat in girl's youth group came into my mind. "I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me and I love Him." It's the one thing I know for sure right now. So I've been repeating it over & over & over again. And I'll just keep repeating as long as I need to.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The babies & Robert are back to their usual happy selves today. Brian came to check to see if I was happy. Since I am, he's happy. Jonathan's better but still recovering. If all keeps going as well & happily as it has been, he should feel a lot better about it soon.
So this morning after taking Robert to Mrs. Wallace's house, I went to get gas & somehow managed to lock myself out of the minivan. Good grief! ;) Cameron called a locksmith. But it took 2 hrs for him to get there. So I sat on a bench & watched people come & go. Interesting seeing the people who came through. There was a guy who was also waiting & we chatted. He's trying to find a job. Nice guy. We were both snacking & he even took my garbage to the trash can for me. Lots of people said hi as they walked by. One guy waved at me like he knew me. Thought maybe he was waving at someone behind me. But there was no one else. Very kind of him. Another guy in his 60's with beard and longish white hair had "boss" stenciled with yellow spray paint on the calves of his overalls. Do overalls have calves?? LOL! He was nice & said something to me as he walked by. But his southern accent was so strong that I couldn't catch what he said.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Well, things should get better and better for them as we go along.  We'll make sure they're as happy and loved as possible. And with us both as much as possible. Things will work out.
It would sure be nice if life were easier than it actually is.  Told the kids tonight. Did the best we could to reassure them.  But it was still hard.  Jonathan's most upset, like I thought he would be.  The others should be happy as long as things are good for them.  Not quite so easy with Jonathan. He's more likely to have things to work out.  I guess the best thing to do is make things as good as possible for the children and keep a close eye on them and meet their needs as they arise.  It'll probably make better parents out of us.  Probably pay closer attention to them because of this. That's what I'm hoping anyway. And may the Lord give them compensation for our failings and weaknesses.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Things are going miraculously well. Cameron & I both feel peaceful & happy. Ran out of time to tell the kids today. Will tomorrow. Papers will be filed by the end of the week and all will be final in 4-6 weeks after. We hope all of our friends & family are understanding. We both know it's for the best.
Things are going very, very well. We've already divided everything. Now just need to figure out budgets for settlement. Cameron & I are both calmer & happier now. We did the very best we could. But considering our personalities, it needed to be this way. The hardest thing left to do is tell the kids, which we will do today. Pray for us & for them!! They'll need it the most.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

So tired but doing good. Have felt love surrounding me all day & coming from every direction. Feel like Heavenly Father is carrying me through this. Cameron has been so kind and helpful today. The kids have been helpful & friends have been so sweet to me! I'm so blessed!

Friday, March 2, 2012

It will work out fine. We work well together. We'll have everything settled soon peacefully. We still like & care about each other.
I will be alone soon. Things are moving fast. I didn't want this, but he does. Heaven help me!
So much for sleep! At least the knot in my stomach is gone & I'm feeling good. Maybe it's just tiredness but I feel a lot calmer.
I swear! My brain is trying to run through every aspect of my past, present, & future down to the stupidest minutia! Shut up, shut up, shut up!! How do you make it stop!! ;)
Dang hard to sleep tonight! Brain won't be quiet.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

I feel sick & sad.
Trying to decide if I'm an awful person. I'm not. But I'm definitely flawed. I wish I weren't. I wish I was the perfect wife. But I'm not. I'm flawed. But I'll keep working on those flaws for the rest of my life. But I'm just doing the best I can. But I'll still do better.
Me moody?!? Never!! LOL! I'm just a calm, sweet, placid soul who never, ever gets worked up. Ever! Can't you tell?? ;)
Very happy with the start I made on Tina's song. I think it will be good, at least for me. Excited to see what it turns into. So, I've decided I can do this. I will succeed & everything will be all right. So here's to new songs & doing the right thing. And everything working out the way it should. :)
Gonna go mess around on the piano for a bit before my mom comes and I gotta clean the house. Cleaning... Bah! Okay, okay, I'll be good. But first to play! ;)
Music and art are magic! And magic is magic! LOL! ;)
Want to see if I can write a tune for Miss Tinabell (@tinotino_s) cause she was so sweet to send me a postcard from South Korea. Haven't been able to think of a dang thing to send her back. So, I'm gonna attempt to write a little tune for her. Wish me luck! And if it goes really well, I'll write one for Lilly (@Hergutz) who's also been amazingly sweet to me. Bless her!
I gotta say, I dunno why anyone wants to move like Jagger cause those moves are pretty ridiculous! ;)