Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Well..p, not a drop of music tonight. But I can talk the hind leg off a horse!! LOL!! ;) At least I amuse myself. ;)

How To Fly

Animals know how and children know how. How do we forget how to fly? Or maybe, how do we remember how to fly. I remember sometimes. I should remember more. :)


I want to fly.
Please let me fly.
Please set me free.
I want to see the sky, endless & eternal.
I want to fly into the sunset & see the storms building as they go.
I can breathe when the heavens are open.
The birds have all the luck.
They don't have to stay on the ground.
They can fly into the sunset and across the night sky.
They can go where they please, where the sun is warm & the flowers bloom.
They can sleep in the trees & feel the wind blow.
I want to be a bird.
But that's not true.
I just want to be myself & fly again.
If I could just get a running start, maybe I could remember how. :)


Spring is coming, I can feel it.
But winter's not over yet.
I prefer only sun.
I don't like the grey.
But I think I see pattern & reason in pain.
Don't like it though.
Don't want it.
But just like the trees look barren & dead just before they bloom,
Life will turn again & the sun will come out of hiding.
There's pattern in the empty branches.
You can see more clearly through them.
What was hidden is revealed.
Sometimes truth isn't pretty.
Sometimes truth hurts.
But the seasons turn & hearts heal & trees bloom. And spring comes.
I think today is a great day to write a song, don'tcha think? Everyone humor me & nod yer heads. LOL! ;) But first I gotta go get Roberto. And then ze musik!! ;)

Monday, January 30, 2012

Life is so strange sometimes. Wish I always knew what was going on. But I don't. Wish I always had things under control, but I don't. Wish I could always have everything I want, but I can't, at least not all at once. Must be patient. Usually get most of the good things I want in life, just not always when I first want them. Who knows what life holds. May the future be everything I hope it will be.
Life is looking up. Feel like dancing to The Killers again. :)

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Pet Names

Was in the line to drop Tyler & Brian off at school. I use pet names all the time for them, whatever pops in my head at that moment. (And yes. Sometimes it comes out wrong. I won't tell you what I've accidentally called my kids before. ;)) So I said to Tyler, "Brian likes to be called Squirrel. What do you like to be called?"
He said, and I quote, "Can I wait until after school to make that decision?"
Aye, aye, mon capitaine! All important decisions must wait until after school to be made. ;)!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Oh so boring going through life just trying to be considered normal. Much more exciting to be considered a lunatic. ;)

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Oh yeah! And I'm so not a mellow person! Maybe that's obvious from my blog. Maybe not. But not a single person I'm related to would describe me that way. They'd be more likely to say that I'm very intense. I'm much calmer because marriage and kids, especially Robert, push me to be more patient & calm. I guess that's why Robert & I need each other. Told Cameron once that by the time Robert left home, I'd be a completely mellow person. He thought that was pretty funny. :) Okay, so I still need to learn more patience. ;)

Most of the friends I have would describe me as sweet & easygoing. I'm those things too. But at heart I feel things intensely and I'm an all or nothing person. I don't think I want to be who people usually think I am. ;)

Feeling much better today. Been thinking about things. Everyone one needs love & acceptance. I know, however, from experience that no one can fill all my needs, even if they want to. Only Heavenly Father can fulfill all of my needs & wants. I realized after I wrote the last post that I don't feel loved or lovable if I don't feel like I'm doing really well or nearly perfectly. I can see other people's challenges & understand & love them. But I'm not at all good about it for myself. Working on that. I can see how much Heavenly Father loves other people no matter what their challenges. But if I mess up in any way, I feel like He doesn't love me until I'm doing great again, which is very false. If that were true, He couldn't love any of us ever. So I'm trying to have faith that I am always loved even when I mess up. I'm also trying to have more faith in other people's ability to love me despite my imperfections. I'm also trying to tell myself that love from others isn't always obvious. Just because they haven't shown it lately doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And I also need to be more patient with myself and others. :) Things usually work out if I'm patient. Right? Right! ;)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Please tell me why life is such a lonely business. Why is there never anyone to help me? Plenty who are happy to judge, but what about love? Why is there never anyone to love me? Do I ask too much? Am I too difficult to love? Too much for anyone to love? Most people can't understand me. I'm too much. I have too strong of a personality. I feel like everyone wants me to be smaller, quieter, less opinionated, less passionate (definitely not allowed!), less of everything is better. Certainly not allowed to just be loved. Must change, always. I don't know if anyone wants the real me. What am I supposed to do with myself?

I Will Survive! ;)

Was looking up video of "I Will Survive" yesterday. The lyrics didn't fit but found this instead. These guys are great! Too funny! I think they have some even better ones.


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And now it's nap time! :)

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Friday, January 27, 2012

Well it's been a much better day today, thank goodness. I will survive!! ;) Not looking forward to getting up early tomorrow, though. Poopie! ;)

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Beautiful Song

This song was playing in my head this morning. Had to look it up. Couldn't find the music. But these are the lyrics.

The Power of God

Listen to the wind blow,
Lonely as a sigh.
Nothing overhead but empty sky.
Look up at starlight
On a dark night;
Are we all alone,
An island in space?
Or is there a plan
Where I have a place?

Could it be that heaven
Is man's imagining,
Reaching out for hope in childish dreams?
Stories so old then,
We've outgrown them?
Has God gone away
Or hidden His face?
Have miracles ceased to be?

But the power of God is plain to see,
There are wonders on every hand
To those who will see through eyes of faith,
Beyond the mind of man.

For how could we hope
To see His face,
Who never could see His hand?

Some may see a rainbow
As nothing more than light.
Others see a promise and a sign.
Everyday wonders without number
Are here all around
And wait to be found
By those who have eyes to see.

CHORUS (repeat)
Listen to the wind blow,
Then listen once again.

By Steven Kapp Perry


Good morning world! Working on sorting out myself & my life & my thoughts & my priorities today. So far it's going well. :)

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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Wretched day!

Well today was horrible & painful! Shouldn't be expected to give anything else up tomorrow. So hopefully it will be better. Right? Right. :)

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Jonathan's Poem

Jonathan wrote this for his class. Liked it so much I decided to post it here. :) So proud of him.

“Where I’m from”
I’m from Georgia, a place with too many trees,
And the occasional tornado, but I never had to flee.
In Georgia, you hardly need a jacket,
However in Utah you, always need to hack it.
In Georgia there are so many plants to give you a show,
And in Utah you can almost always admire the glimmering snow.

I’m from a large family, spread all across the country,
And our family always had trouble taking down the Christmas
In family reunions we always heard laughter,
And we’d all go fishing, just acting like slackers.
Without my family, I don’t know where I would be,
Too bad I have three brothers, but no sign of a she.

I’m from lots of artists, both my grandpa’s loved art,
I remember always going to the grocery store, and I would
sit in the cart.
I remember hating seafood; I thought it was so lame,
However I preferred sitting down with my brother’s,
playing video games.

I’m from lots of confusion, lost hope, and pain,
As hard as it was, the answer was so plain.
My parents were the ones to look for, when I was full of
pain and sorrow,
And if I take advice from them, I’ll always know the
right path to follow.
Sometimes I feel listening to my parents gives me the
right future,
And if I obey them it will take out all of life’s pressure.

I’m from the life given to you in this simple poetry,
And it’s just as fragile as ancient pottery.
As much of a lesson this should seem,
It’s just my life, just like the suns gentle beams.
As I explain these things, we must sadly part,
I hope this explains my life, but this might only be the

He says the confusion, lost hope and pain are just life in general and not a particular problem. I hope so. It is hard to be in middle school though.

Favorite Books

My favorite author is Georgette Heyer. I think everything she wrote was amazingly well-written & fun at the same. And I love nearly book I've read of hers.

My all-time favorite book is The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare. And now I'm going to read it. Books are like best friends in print. Most books I can't stand to read more than once. They have to be really good & readable for that. I read this book about every 6 months. :)

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Build Them Up To Watch Them Fall

A lyric inspired by “build them up to watch them fall.”

We buy and praise them when the buying’s good.
We scorn and crush them when they can’t stand alone.
Why do we think that the fame won’t undo them
Why do we laugh when we ought to cry.

Maybe we think we need idols to bow to
Maybe we only want to live in the sun.
But the fame and money don’t buy love
Only heartache when it all falls apart.

Life isn’t a game to be played out on screen.
People aren’t toys to use and discard
There’s only One we should ever bow down to
The rest are just playing on the stage in our minds.

Poem for Wendy

So many sorrows, so many tears. So much hunger for love and for peace. Why is it so hard to see tomorrow, why is it so hard to find our way.

So many days that go on forever. So many nights that might never end. Why must the pain last so long and the joy be so hard to find?

Somewhere there must be something better. Somewhere there must be peace and light. Hold on to those around you and never quit the fight.

Do you feel His arms around you? Does He whisper in your ears? Are the stars still shining down? Is the moon still keeping watch? Do the breezes rush through your hair and the rain still wash your face?

Then the Lord is still in heaven, and the joy will still be yours. If you just hold on til tomorrow and keep watching for the dawn.

I Think The Earth Will End in Fire

Some think the world will end in ice
I say the world will fill with light
Knowing what I know of desire
I think the earth will end in fire.

Some think the light is quickly fading
Some feel that hope is running out
I think the sky is waking up
And the sunlight is streaming down.

The rain will keep on falling
The clouds will still be playing
The birds will keep on singing
And the heavens will fill with light.

Night comes at the end of every day
But the day never stays too far away.

(I borrowed from Robert Frost some. This is only a first draft. Still needs some work. Hope you like a little. Can’t seem to help myself. :) )

On That Christmas Night

On that Christmas night so long ago
all of creation was holding it's breath
All things were watching a little stable
Waiting to hear a baby cry.

The angels were anxious to sing their song
The star was shining with all of it's might
The birds were waiting their turn to sing.
And the shepherds were quietly watching their sheep

And then the Light was born into the world!
All of creation must have silently shouted!
Angels began singing for terrified shepherds
And starlight was shining down from the sky

Only wise men knew why the star was shining
Only they knew why creation wanted to sing
They started their travels that glorious night
With gifts for the King He would someday be.

This glorious Child was born in a stable
The animals must have felt something there
The Light began shining into the world
And the world could finally sleep in peace.

Merry Christmas!!!

My Life

Cranky old me, crawls out of bed. There are rocks in my head & I can't see quite straight. But the baby's up and he's ready to eat. He's ready to play, he's ready for the day. He smiles up at me and my heart smiles back. Maybe today will be great after all.

My dearest husband, with the nicest smiles& the smartest eyes and the strongest hands. I don't mind all your gadgets, gizmos, and things, (most of the time.) Especially if you kiss me and hold me tight. Maybe dishes and laundry are worth all the pain. If my prince comes and saves me each night.

Little One

Tiny hands that hold so tight.
Tiny eyes that follow the light.
Little one, you've come so far,
To be with me. Welcome to my world.

Into my world came little boys,
Came little hands and little faces.
Into my world came bigger things,
In little eyes and little faces.

Little tiny one, little tiny man, with the little tiny hands, and the tiniest of eyes.
You smile when you sleep, what are you dreaming of. Who will you be someday?

The sun goes down but the baby doesn't,
The mama's tired but the baby isn't!
You sleep all day so we can stay up all night. Momma's tired and looks like a fright. Please sleep, little one. Please dream, little one.
That's what nighttime is for.

Cranky old mom, crawls out of bed. The baby's hungry and wants to be fed. Good thing I love you, good thing your cute. Good thing your smile's so bright. Maybe mom will live another day.

Little ones, you're so much fun to be with.

Monday, January 23, 2012

I have a very personal story to tell. I haven't told many people but I feel like telling it now. After I had Jonathan, I was in the hospital for the usual 48 hours. I was feeling good and Cameron had gone back home to rest, probably, since there's no place for the husband to sleep. Anyway I was wide awake with nothing to do, just waiting while Jonathan slept. And a little girl came in the room to visit me. She said, "Don't forget about me." I said, "I won't." And she left. Now my physical eyes didn't see her, but I felt her come & go. And my spirit (or my mind, if you prefer) saw her, but not clearly. But I didn't imagine her. I wasn't dreaming or daydreaming. She was really there and spoke to my mind (or spirit). My physical ears didn't hear anything.

I wasn't bothered by her visiting because she was very comfortable and familiar to be with. I knew she was my future daughter. And I felt like she just wanted me to remember to have her too. I had just had my second boy. But I planned on having more kids and figured I'd have her soon enough. Surprisingly, I didn't think too much about it after that.

Fastforward 3 years and I was back in the hospital after having my third boy. Once again the baby was asleep and I was just sitting there waiting. And she came in my room again. This time my mind could see her a little better but only vaguely. She said, "Don't forget about me." I said, "I won't." She went over to look at the baby in his bed and then she left. I could tell she had very dark hair, very dark brown or black. It was hard to see her features but I got a general impression that she had round cheeks and was 6-9 years old.

After you have a baby, you're pretty worn out and extremely preoccupied with a very demanding little person. I honestly didn't think much more about her because I was planning on having at least one more child and figured that would be her.

Cameron & I had both wanted a little girl from the start. So when I found out I was pregnant with number 4, I was sure it would be a girl this time. But it wasn't. It was our cute, little Brian. At this point we had Robert in kindergarten for the second time, Jonathan in Pre-K, and Tyler was 1 1/2. We had our hands more than full! And we were sure we couldn't handle anymore kids! So when I was waiting in the hospital again after having Brian, I was sure the little girl wouldn't visit because we were finished having our kids. But she still came to visit me. It was all exactly the same as last time. She said, "Don't forget about me." I said, "I won't." She went over to see the new baby and then left.

I'm sorry to say that for a while I didn't think about her. But you don't think about more kids when you've got your hands so full as it is. Plus when Brian was around 9 or 10 months old, we were working on moving across the country.

About 6 months after our move, I suddenly remembered all about her. Brian was 2. I told Cameron about her. I don't think he really believed me. He wasn't at all interested in having anymore. And I think he felt I couldn't possibly be right about it. Still to this day, he doesn't really believe me. But there's nothing I can do about that. Someday she'll still be born. I just have to be patient. :)