Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Okay, for starters, I'm going to get rid of most of the junk in this house. It's been a huge problem for me ever since we moved here. We've accumulated too much junk and it just makes my life harder. So everything but the most important things are going. Next, what's next. I'm not sure. :) But this is step one. All but the best stuff is going. I'll get the boys to help. No more junk! :) So that's the goal for this week. :) Okay, I feel better now! Now to finish the darn laundry. Blech! ;)
Thursday, April 19, 2012
There once was a girl who wanted the world. So she loved & she learned & she tried to be good. But there was a fire inside her that she couldn't control. Everyone said it was a very bad thing. So one day she decided to hide who she was. She was afraid of herself. Then she tried hard to be who they wanted her to be. But the fire still burned & she couldn't hide forever. It would flare to life when things got hard. So she'd push it down & try again. One day she learned how to control it. But she kept the fire down because she didn't know how to use it. Then, someone else's fire lit her own & she remembered who she was. So the fire began to burn & but it didn't have a purpose. Someday she'll know what the fire is for & the world will be brighter for it.
The sun followed the moon around the sky to rest it's head in the cool of night. The moon followed the sun to warm it's face and see the world from way up high. They followed each other until one day when the sun asked the moon to stay by it's side. Now the moon waits for the sun to show her face & stays to shine as the world wakes to life.
1 And it came to pass that we did again take our journey in the wilderness; and we did travel nearly eastward from that time forth. And we did travel and wade through much affliction in the wilderness; and our women did bear children in the wilderness. 2 And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. 3 And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness. (Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi, Chapter 17)
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Holy CRAP! Cameron called the lawyer to see why things were taking so long. She called the judge. Turns out the judge signed the papers & filed them himself & we've been divorced since the 9th & no one bothered to tell us! Here I've been trying so hard to be patient & it's been over for a week! Is this an attempt to drive me insane! LOL! I'm a little weirded out at the moment, to be honest! I'll get used to the idea in a minute, I think. Jiminy! How's that for weird!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Feel like I've been climbing out of a canyon since the middle of January. It hasn't been easy. When you're still close to the bottom, it can all look pretty impossible. But it's been getting easier lately. I'm close to the top now and feel more rested & stronger now. Still have some more climbing to do. But it seems more doable now. Just a little farther. Just need to take a deep breath and pray for a little more strength to finish climbing. Definitely know I didn't get this far by myself. :)
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Poor Jonathan hates middle school. Told him most of the people on this planet hated middle school and high school is usually a lot better. And the things that make you cool in middle school aren't really that great. Told him that kids in middle school are dorky, mean, awkward, & stupid. Told him that any kids that make fun of his art are probably jealous. And he's a fabulous artist even if they call him names. Told him he's lucky to have two really good friends cause that's more than I had. And he's lucky no one's trying to beat him up every day like they did his dad. Finally told him that he'd have better luck making friends with girls cause they'll like him more. Have avoided telling him that til now cause I know how much they'll like him. But he's almost 13, so it's time, I think. Plus there's only six weeks left til summer & he'll be done with 7th grade forever. Thank heavens! Oh the joys of middle school! :)
Monday, April 9, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
So happy! Closure! Very good closure! Feel truly peaceful & completely happy & excited for the future again for the first time in months. Feel whole again & it's an amazing feeling. May it last all week! Or even better, forever! ;) So nice to feel emotionally healthy again! Geez, it's amazing to feel like me again! Was starting to wonder how long it would take. Oh may it last! Looking forward to having another really good day tomorrow! My heart feels like it's been freed from the pain & sadness! Feel really, really happy! Thank you Heavenly Father! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
So frustrating to be so close to being recovered but not quite be there. Have really good days where I feel strong & happy. And the next day, not so much. It's like seeing the finish line but not quite being able to reach it yet. Need to accept the fact that it's a little further away than I'd like it to be. I think another thing that's making it hard is that the marriage relationship is nearly gone now. The friendship is still there. But the feeling of having someone to rely on is nearly gone. Probably need to talk to more family to get me through the next few days. Guess I'm not strong enough yet not to have support. Cameron's lucky he doesn't need anyone. Makes it easier for him.
6 But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen. (Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi, Chapter 9)
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Okay, so I will try to enjoy Robert more & get annoyed less. ;) He would like me to go on walks or garden with him. Jonathan wants me to practice baseball with him. Tyler likes to go places. And Brian wants me to help him learn to draw & swim. Not all in one day, of course. But I can do one thing each day or every other day.
Well this hasn't been a very cheerful blog for the past while. But not likely it would be under the circumstances. Should be uphill from here though. Also have to remember that I use the blog to say what I'm itching to say at that moment. And there are some things I still can't say even here. And I'm not faking being happy also.
Hard not to be needed. Hurts to be let go. I have to admit that's the hardest part. But it's okay. I need me & the kids need me. And there's always the dog & bird. ;) I'll find out who I am. And someone will need me too. :) So grateful to be feeling stronger & stronger every day. Only 6-11 days left. So this post is just me trying to prepare for the end.
Sorely tempted to make a commentary now on the other half of the story. Have aired my own faults and flaws plenty, probably even too much. And now feel like telling the rest of the story. But that would be wrong. So I'll bite my tongue and just say that I've only told half the story. But I think this is a good sign. Means I'm regaining my self respect, ready to stand up for myself again. It's a good thing. But since I don't want to be mean or regret anything I said, I won't say anything else about it. Might call Juliene & talk her poor ear off again. ;) But let the records show, I was only 50% of the problem. Okay, feel better now. :)
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
So working this week on putting all of the pieces of myself back where they belong. Divorce isn't easy on the self-esteem. (That's a huge understatement!) It's a huge magnifying glass on all of your weaknesses & failings. It's really been hard on every aspect of me. But I've been doing my best. And I've had tremendous help. I've been literally carried through this by the Lord & family & friends & loved ones. Cameron's been a great support. Sounds ironic, but I couldn't have gotten through this without his help & support. Family has been so kind & understanding. Friends have been so sweet, making me laugh & smile when I needed it. Okay so, in order to get myself back together, I need to focus on what I have done well. Sorry if this is annoying, but I have to document what I have done or am doing right since I spend most of the time thinking about how I've messed up or what I still need to do better. I've been doing my best to make good choices. I haven't been perfect, but I haven't done badly. I haven't argued or been angry with Cameron. We've discussed things but there's been no fighting or anger. A miracle, really. I've been working to help with everything & he has too. We've been able to work things out easily because we both want the other to be happy. I haven't given in to depression or hopelessness. It's threatened to pull me down, but I haven't given in & the Lord's kept my head above water. Each week's been better & easier than the last. A very good sign! I shouldn't be impatient. It'll all come together. The kid's are doing very well. Life's been going on as usual, mostly. Things are going well & next week will be easier than this week.